why do serial cheaters want to stay married

I also like to be alone a lot, and have solitary interests, like reading, crafts, playing games , watching movies. Ex: is he sending mixed signals by holding her off but also enjoying the attention? This really is a terrible story and I am so sorry you have had to go through it. How and why did it end and who ended it? thank you for the info, Sarah P! If your partner cheated one time, it may be more shocking to you to find out since they were likely much more open with you from the very beginning. Anyhow, during the time he was cheating on me, I remember that he would make random comments about how I was not the life of the party and how that was a bad thing. Never going to mistrust my own gut over trusting someone else. And each time I do that, she never answers me back but then starts in on my husband again. Some unfaithful serial cheaters still do love their partners for some reason. You become paranoid, and you continuously look for signs of their. A cheating spouse may not truly care about his affair partner at all. You tell yourself that all that was just an illusion because your partner was also capable of such lying and deception. One thing my h always said, even through throughout his ea, I was the only person he can trust, he does not trust anyone else. "I felt like the world's biggest scumbag." It's pretty shitty to be honest. I have this rule in my own marriage, for both of us. Seriously, dude??? You hear us lash out at the ow, that caused so much pain to us, and you dont take it personally, which I am so glad about. The cheating is serial or a pattern of behavior. Trust me, these women know what theyre doing. I saw a few days later a donation that he had made, not from him and I, but for him and his ow, because that was what she wanted. For some, a one-time thing is a total dealbreaker. Your husband should go to hr and find out what rules of engagement exist in his workplace. Flickr/imagineitall. Same here. This man was very nice. She does not want your friendship. Engaging in secretive behaviors. The lengths that this guy would go to were more skilled than almost anything I had seen or read about. When a serial cheater is caught, they will look for . This of course leaves aside the kinds of relationships or. Without this shock, neither my h or I would have discovered all our problems and it is likely wed have split somewhere down the line. my AP was my first boyfriend, my first lover, I truly thought he was my soulmate, one true love for YEARS. First, consider where you stand. He may not even believe he truly did anything wrong. Also among the signs of a serial cheater is the tendency to get bored and seek new thrills. "Essentially they will find a way to create time and space away from their mate early on to avoid raising suspicions later on," he says. I would not have guessed that and have not found it in prior literature. Congrats on your anniversary. He knows its not his wifes fault that things have soured in the relationship. Fool me twice, shame on me. That phrase originated because of this phenomenon of repeating bad behavior. In the world we now live in I believe introversion is looked at as being a little peculiar. Either way, cheating is bad, and I sincerely hope that you never fall victim to a serial cheater. 8) They act on impulse. Many men and women go years without knowing that their partners or significant others have cheated until they see the affair firsthand. Does he seem sincere and willing to change? Certainly got the part that the assistant you hired was not the OW. By subscribing to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our. He did not have positive role models and he does not know how to do things differently. Your husband is NOT one of the incorrigibles. This next point could well be the most apparent reason for cheaters not to show remorse. My h did send his whore a birthday card and trinket along with a card with comment s that will make you blush after he told me he wanted to be married to me. He was a constant prankster and flirted with everyone (men and women). But more importantly, they will do their best to prove to you that they're going to be faithful moving forward. You can nail his foot to the floor, develop ironclad guidelines, and you can show objective evidence that he is at fault. Well fast forward 6 months and I realized we hadnt seen much of john. Even so, he keeps on cheating again and again because of two reasons - they can't live without it and they know they can get away with it. Anyone else out there have ideals similar to these and stick to them in all situations? You have come such a. Ignore her, both of you. In short, getting them to change is going to be quite the challenge. He also may recognize how great the marriage is overall and he doesnt want to let go of that. There is hope, though, Edelman explains that serial cheaters can seek therapy with professionals to help them get to the bottom of their experiences. But not only are a cheater's secrets. For example, no opposite-sex friendships for your husband. The decision to cheat was the culmination of several unhappy years of marriage, according to 36-year-old Jessica Lawrence. Im hoping its not just me that experiences this! She was a nosy buddy, gambler, drinker and very loud. Using a licensed therapist as a sounding board as you work your way towards a decision will be the best move you can make in this situation. One was my childhood sweetheart. Do you think youll ever be able to forgive and trust him? She goes on to say, "They aren't all alike. If I call him o text him at work, he answers. Once I began understanding the level of pain I had caused his w (after reading Lindas 10 things I hate about you and reading the experiences of other bss I desperately wanted to let his w know I accepted responsibility for my part and that I wanted to reassure her I would never talk to her h again. Still, it is so unbelievable to me that women like the one you hired/fired actually exist. Giz Im an introvert and have many of the traits you speak of. You tend to believe that if they dont answer their phone or if they are coming home late, they must certainly be with this other person. I may not always respond, but I read everything you write, because you my friend, are such a good soul. Still, only you know what is right for you to do. Th, those damn sob stories. February 10, 2023; My Cheating Husband is Only Concerned About Losing his Money After Having an Affair February 5, 2023; I'm Not Sure I Want My Cheating Husband Around My Kids January 29, 2023 Shame and embarrassment especially when you tell what happened to your circle of friends. Ad infinitum. 7 Things To Note If You Have A Cheating Partner, How To Cope With Anxiety After Husbands Affair, How to Combat the 5 Glaring Effects of Anxiety After Infidelity. Watch the smiles, the eye contact, the verbals and non verbals Only then will you be certain of what you are really dealing with. Why the hell not? People can go into the friendship with the best of intentions, there can be no attraction (at first), but then as the friendship progresses, things can quickly get out of control if given the right circumstances.. She wants your life. I accepted who he was, good parts and annoying parts. I was new to the job and he was a tease and a flirt. Did his wife ever acknowledge your letter to her? Yes, yes, yes, listen to the gut! Over half of all cheaters cited enhancing their self-esteem as a motivating factor. They forget they mess with fire, they will get burnt. If you would answer those questions it would be so helpful. Remember that it doesnt take a genius to mirror back the opinions of the opposite sex. There are no repercussions for his actions, 12. my h had with his subordinate. PPS- The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics". So good, in fact, that LeslieBeth Wish, a noted psychotherapist, author, and founder of. It was coincidental mix of timing and opportunity but the fact he ended up in rehab on this occasion and appears to be working on himself tells me he learned something this time which he hadnt learned before. He is just a guy who is extremely easy to work with a attempts to build harmony in his team. I was so naive, coming here reminds me if how far Ive come. The end! The victim card never goes down. Oops, didnt get to finish my comment. i dont think it will change. Dr. Paul Hokemeyer, a licensed marriage and couples therapist, told Fox News that couples who stay together after infidelity have compelling reasons to do so. I could have used the thousands of $$ wasted on fake marital therapy to get out of town. I will say your H needs to totally ignore her. "Somewhere in their history, whether its parents, mentors or the culture they grew up in, they saw cheating as normal," she says. Sometimes a cheating husband doesnt even feel guilty in this scenario because he doesnt believe he has really hurt his wife. Cheaters "deflect pointed conversations by changing the true subject and always minimizing their actions," award-winning therapist and survivor of psychological abuse. Food may not interest you in the least, or you may dive into the junk food, especially sweets, which will give you an endorphin, feel-good rush (before making you crash and feel even more horrible). She knew what she was doing and she played it to the hilt. But Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD) does make someone far more likely than the ordinary person to be unfaithful to their partner. She knows men like that about some woman. Amen. Apart from financial loss, cheating husbands may also stand to lose the people closest to them. Feeling overwhelmingly powerlessness and broken. He abhors drama and bad feelings and then goes overboard to make sure everyone is happy and there is no tension in the air). Typical behaviors of a narcissist can include attention-grabbing behavior on social media. We attended a couple of parties and I met a lovely woman that he had met at his church. She had arranged it, and had placed them down as h and w, but using her first name and our surname. "They are invested in the . Ever hear of hyper bonding? They often struggle with poor impulse control and a lack of personal accountability. One-time cheaters, if they're truly remorseful, will own up to their mistakes. He told the ow about those too. Just terrible. He sees himself as belonging to a 'dog eats dog world' where no one is loyal. When they are thinkin with the brain in their tail , all bets are off because tail brains are no good for thinkin.. Hah- I have found that HR honchos rarely read or consider anything that is truly useful. Leaving a marriage, no matter what the circumstance, is very difficult. Once they get so entangled in the affair and all the talk about each others misery in the primary relationships fuels and perpetuates the affair. I believe that a person could have almost all of the traits on the list and still not end up cheating. I just feel so bad for Eyes because she has really beat herself up over the affair. You are investing too much of your self worth in his opinion and what he said or did. Surprisingly, cheating is so common that it is sometimes hard to separate infidelity and serial adultery.. I puzzled on that a long time too. Do you think during the affair started that the wife could have done things to stop it or did it need to run its course? "Cheating can be emotional, and/or physical. And I told him I felt the same way about him. But, dont let substances such as alcohol fool you. Talk about not knowing that you dont shit where you eat!!! He appears to lack a conscience in all of his social dealings. Sometimes, the husband cheated but doesn't want divorce out of guilt. Serial cheaters may be quick to distract you, but "[t]ake it as a red flag," she says. I cannot help him or otherwise solve his issues and I am now releasing him to a higher power. Therefore, he will not settle for being less than top dog. Your eating patterns are disturbed. I dont have sexual anxiety (rather the opposite) and have cheated twice while in my last relationship. It sounds like the best way to go about this is legalistically, like you suggested in keeping logs about everything and gathering data. This is deplorable. Along with their wives and children, cheating husbands also risk losing money and their social network. You were both actually victims of this guys narcissism. "Now you're not sure when you're going to see or hear from your partner. But it really was. These type of ow dont let go that easy. Prior to getting married to my husband, I let him know point blank that the person he was getting is not someone he can train to be a certain way as if I were a pet. He didnt get to go through all his explanations and get his ego stroked anymore. Considering the above, there can be little hope that serial cheaters can ever truly be changed. In some cases, cheating men stay married because they feel like its their only option. He was miserable and she was a cold hearted bitch. Different Opinions Discussed, 6 Signs He Will Cheat Again and 5 that Show Hes Changed, How to Apologize for Cheating on Your Loved One? It's paramount to build trust back up again. I hope your new job is going good and that the remodel to your home is brilliant as well. She was madly in Love. Dont give away your goodness to them. For some, this is so true, and they become serial cheaters. I truly believe shes a very nice person who got sucked in by a self serving narcissist. "So when they talk about it, they will make it seem like it's not such a big deal." Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? Are they quick to change the subject? Cinderella is kind of a bitch. Definitely for the best. But still it is unnerving!! Honestly its a wonder our business was able to survive. He doesnt want to lose half of his money through a messy divorce. Thankyou the I think we have all learned that lesson, I am sure we all need to make sure we dont waste what we have learned. He was stubborn and controlling, threatened suicide, depressed and angry). A lightbulb went on in my head because I was able to put into perspective something my ex-fiance did when he was cheating on me. This leads to resentment and seeking affection elsewhere. As relationship expert and author April Masini tells Bustle, serial cheaters are used to cheating. They dont think of cheating as hurting a person; they even dont think of it as a betrayal; they think of it as conquest, and the way they win or what gives them the fuel to continue is that they were able to get a person. He started electronics school and started drinking again with a guy after school. Of course, at the time I did not know he was cheating on me in fact, I had to hear it from a third party 6 weeks after he broke up with me and I had moved out. The difference is I dont BLAME you for anything. So fast track to now, today we are celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary!!!!!! I wanted her to know I was leaving my job and taking action and to let her know that I cared that my actions had caused her pain and Id never ever do this again). I replied I wish she would . You didnt count on him having a good wife by his side, helping him find his way back to being a man of dignity and respect for himself, you tried to take that away from him, so to control him. All the pieces just started to fit together nicely. What I gave her each time was a test to see if she had the guts to face me one-on-one for coffee. For her crap. Front of the pack leading lives with integrity, not anywhere near those maimed creatures. I am not shy but he made me blush and nervous and heaped a lot of praise and attention on me. When we assume "once a cheater, always a cheater," we deeply underestimate people's ability to change, said Tammy Nelson, a couples therapist and the author of The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity. She played with his head, her family played with his head, next thing I know he was losing his mind, and telling me on his arrival from his trip, that he nolonger loves me. He knew exactly what I was mad about and what he had done. They dont care and more so they dont need an excuse. Yes your husband fell for cousin Its sob story because he had to in order to justify the affair. He doesnt want to leave his home, his family, and the life that hes grown accustomed to. I can see so much of my cheating husband in this article. Then he sets a boundary and she emails me againand on and on. When a serial cheater is caught, they will look for different ways to justify their behavior. Consider his actions since youve found out about the affair. Im not trying to disturb you or upset you in any way . That was because he knew that one day he would come home and see me and our children gone, I had already made arrangements for a place to stay, which he knew about, so he knew I was dead serious, at nolonger waiting for him to choose his family over her. TryingHard, How did he find these suppliers. Omg, they catch a man hook line and sinker. As for that woman who reported to you and was trying to get your husbands attention. You have heard this part analysis from our other lovely ladies here, but wanted to add my two cents, for whatever it is worth: You said: I remember liking him as soon as I met him. I admire you, I admire you for putting your best foot forward, and swallowing your pride, by sending a letter to your ap wife. And by the way, I do not blame his other girlfriend for doing those things because I got to experience through my friend the level of mind-f****ing this guy used in order to keep his victims close at hand. We do things as husband and wife, but I an tell we are not intimately connected. Everyone seemedclose. (Lets say I know the difference between friendly and interested and I am not an ego-maniac who believes every man who talks to me has an agenda far from it). These serial cheaters are opportunistic predators. Always trying to be entertaining, engaged, funny, etc. Check out the entire Gen Why series and other videos on Facebook and the Bustle app across Apple TV, Roku, and Amazon Fire TV. Now this man had by all appearances and actions to have not only completely remove himself from all his nefarious contacts by moving across the country and his children. Someone here put it very succinctly .. Its a chicken and egg scenario. They view the world as a competitive marketplace, one where they must be on top, or the other person will beat them. 15 months ago I would not have imagined what Im dealing with now, courtesy of an ea(?) She doesnt have the guts to face me and I figured as much just trying to confirm it and it was confirmed two times over. These husbands don't feel any guilt pangs when cheating on their wives. An EffectiveGuide, How To Be A Better Lover To My Husband? too many rules and regulations. To me, it has always been a tremendous violation of the girl code even to flirt with a man who is taken. He doesn't want to lose half of his money through a messy divorce. One of the main reasons is Serial Cheaters dont have any backup or exit plan to divorce their partner cause they never thought of getting caught. You have given us insight into what the cs thinks and feels about the ap, from the beginning and to the end. By the time he was ripe for the picking, she knew all she needed to do was get him by himself, where I would not be any where near him, and that was getting him to pay for her ticket to see her family, he feel for it, paid for her ticket, unknown to me, and that was it. Why do serial cheaters want to stay married? They may be more willing to put their relationships on the line. Hes a good guy who got caught up and manipulated in something he was just not smart enough to get out of. (Number 1 is you). Maybe I stumbled across a Women Only/Hate Men article. They know that most men want to be a hero, and as long as they show a damsel in distress act, then the man, wont even look at them. It truly is mind boggling the number of women who just dont care. This research shows that demographic variables may not influence decision-making as much as previously thought that personality matters more, especially for men. Narcissism: This person displays pathological selfishness, an extreme sense of entitlement, and he is always looking for new sources (people) to feed his ego. So why do people keep cheating? Neither he or I knew how incredibly wise and accurate that statement was. Im sure she was trying to move in on him. Sometimes those folks who are the life of the party and all affable on the outside are dealing with a lot of demons on the inside and unfortunately you werent privy to those but you can bet the wife was. In one hes the responsible husband, and in the other, he gets to be wild and crazy. Thank you for sharing those tips. Oh, no! They may feel unsatisfied in some way. I am also angered that your body literally had to get that sick and he still would not come clean when he saw you vomiting your guts out. Make sure you have a face to face conversation about the same. Talk about disrespecting an employer! December 6, 2019. Why Do Cheating Husbands Stay Married? These ow, who claim to be a good caring person, one that is praises herself to be a wonderful mother, yet does not care about the young children whos lives she tears apart, because her needs are more important and above that of the mms children. Because they wanted to. As for his wife, if her reaction to you is true, she obviously did not see her husbands contribution and that indicates he was playing both of you like a violin. Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. Why does an iron rod become a magnet when current is passed through a coil of wire wrapped around the rod? Please believe that. I do not want to confront her because I think that could endanger my husbands job if she went to HR and she is the type who goes to HR and launches lawsuits on a whim. 12. I could not have predicted the way this thread would go a year ago I am bowled over by your compassion! He also may feel like a failure and fear everyone else thinking the same. We found ways of travelling together and being in one anothers company as much as possible. Its like they are always just one drink, or hit, or whatever away. "They're very vague when it comes to telling you about their life . They cheat- thats their partners fault! Your partner shows no remorse or does not apologize. Infidelity affects a woman 7. It is all depending on how the person concerned is feeling," Lee told INSIDER. I would HATE to think I had given my love and trust to someone that used me. This often ends. Finally, they ended with the same caveat I had that there are so many complex factors that could occur to add to infidelity that are outside of the scope of these characteristics or studies about characteristics. What it boils down to is opportunity, lack of personal moral code, and a great talent for lies, manipulation and entitlement. And you might say its up to my husband to put up boundaries well he does and I have even been present at his work when he does. Imagine how devastating it is to learn that your partner, the person in whom you had complete trust and to whom you pledged your, A sense of unrealness, this cant be true, Everything that happened before was just a lie. As there are no plans of exit and they don't have any powerful path where they can stay, they just manage to understand their partner and stay married. I could never be involved with an addict or alcoholic again. I would not have had to listen to my teenage on call my husband a f p when the whole story came out. When we talk about the ow, Im sure you know we are not meaning you, your one of us, really, you have been seeking out help and support, just like us, just a little bit on different sides of the fence. The researchers found that this adaptation to dishonesty happens because the amygdala, which is the emotion center of your brain, gives a weaker negative response each time youre dishonest. Eyes, I wish we could have a wine too, lol. I am fine, I knew along time ago, that she must have had an eye on my h, just by the rumours her h apparently spread about her. He knows that most are only after what they can.get out of you. Yes she left him 3 times, but why keep going back. Your partner is abusive or controlling. I returned to work after having and raising kids and felt overweight and out of the game. I will say I have highly correct intuition about people and situations which has never proven me wrong. Gizfield, When I was in my mid- 20s, I took a lot of flack from my (now ex) fiance because I wasnt more of an in-your-face extrovert. How long does it take to get over a cheating spouse? Maybe they just had the opportunity and decided to go for it. Why on earth we do it speaks volumes about who we are. When he wanted an ego boost,some drama, and a nice piece of ass, call gizfield, day or night cause she loves you and will come running. Upon discovering that their spouse is a chronic cheater, the betrayed partners emotions, indeed their universe, are entirely turned upside down. If he wasnt angry, she wouldnt have had you listen, as that doesnt show him as being a bad exh. He may not feel fulfilled by a life of monogamy. Loved doing it. Maybe that way I can get some of the money back she took from my family, hehehe, if only that was possible. To quote facebook, If you want to act single, be single. A serial cheater is a person who intends to cheat even on their Wedding day. Even so, he keeps on cheating again and again because of two reasons - they can't live without it and they know they can get away with it. So VERY disappointed in this posting. said cheating is subjective because different people have different boundaries. They like deceit. They're just louder and more conniving. Now were going to discuss the main reasons why most serial cheaters want to stay in a marriage relationship. When trouble strikes his marriage in the form of boredom, fighting, mid-life crisis, he will likely begin an affair. The lows are low and the highs are high! The garden you tend will be the one that grows. It wasnt his first rodeo! Confusion and disorientation. He preys on nice people because they are the last to see through the likes of him because nice people are courteous, trusting, and give the benefit of the doubt many times over. He would mock my introversion and then give examples of extroverted women he admired. I said and by the way, she did the wrong thing, putting her exh on speaker phone, because she only did that, so out of all the conversations you hear of them talking, she puts the one on that has him get angry on. He stands to lose too much if he leaves. This was not her first rodeo. (Financial constraints. Actually the OW didnt work for him but worked for a vendor and she begged for a job with my Hs company. What a good thing you did, apologising and informing her that you are not a threat to her marriage, and that she has nothing yo fear, you will not be contacting her h again. Thankyou for showing my h, never to trust anyone again, especially relatives like you. All of that is so unfair. As a friend who goes to alanon says: You did not cause that persons problem, you did not create their issues in their life, and you cannot control that persons life in a way that brings them goodness, or otherwise solves their issues.. She would whimper to men flirting about how having a husband and four boys was too much men. As long as the wife puts up with cheating or chooses to take him or her back, believing that the affair is over (which it never is), the narcissist will stay married until the end of time. My h said I dont care if you stay or go because you need to fix this inside yourself. May you have many more years together, growing together, and may your husband continue to recognize and show gratitude for the jewel that he has had all along. These ow, dont care who they roll over to get what they want. Hi Gizfield, yes there are other introverts out there. Although he did open the gates to my longer, more significant AP. Definitely, I know, although they want to act single, they dont want to be alone either. (Complete opposite of myself) Well, that was the guy who ended up cheating and then I left for good. Oh Eyes, I am so, so sorry if I made you feel bad You know that was NOT my intention. The crunch came when he sent me a public Facebook message on my holiday saying how quiet it was and they all missed me. In other words, their actions won't match their words. Your heart must have been broken. Once you are gone, he (your h) is going to feel like he was hit by a ton of bricks and then run over by several monster trucks. I saw the good in you, and I could see how desperately you wanted to seek help. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. "Calling out the wrong name in the heat of passion is a faux pas that's hard to backpedal," Winter explained, while pet names are easy to remember, especially if someone is sleeping with multiple partners. Especially to people like fast food workers, cashiers, etc. She must be shaking her head thinking WTF is he doing with her, he told me he couldnt stand her and now here they are traveling all over together, working together, what the hell happened? Is he working hard to right his wrong? Learn how your comment data is processed. Oops, should say say not see. I had sent it via email. He said, ohh he spoke to her terribly. Here's Why Serial Cheaters Keep On Cheating, According To Science. Thankyou Sarah, but honestly its ok. Not wishing to stir but I do wonder how many BSs on this site are being hoodwinked into believing that this was their hs first crime, when actually there were more that were never disclosed?

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